Roma, 28. Sept. 1993

The Manager

Y.M.C.A. Hotel London

Dear Signore Direttore,

Now i-am tella you astory wot I was a-treated at your hotella.

I am a-coma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a-younga christian man at your hotella.

When I comma in my rooma I see there is no shita in my beda, how can I sleepa with no shita in my beda? So I calla down to receptione and tella: "I wanta shita.". They tella me: "Go to toilet.". I say: "No, no, I wanta shita in my beda.". They say: "You'd better not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch!". What is sonna-wa-bitch?

I go down for breakfasta into ristorante. I order bacon and eggs and two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress and point to toast: "I wanta piss.". She tella me: "Go to toilet.". I say: "No, no, I wanta piss on my plate.". She then say to me: "You'd bloody wella not piss on the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch!". That is the second person who do not even know me, calla me sonna-wa-bitch, and why is your staff replying: "Go to toilet!". Is that a modern tella? I do not understand, please tella me!

Later I go for dinner in your ristorante. Spon and knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress: "I wanta fock.". And she tella me: "Sure, everyone wanta fock.". I tella her: "No, no, you don't understanda me, I wanta fock on the table!". She tella me: "So, you sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table? Get your ass out of here!".

How comma this christian hotella tella the guest in such bad manner?

So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this hotella no more. When I have paid billa the portier say to me: "Thank you and piss on you.". I say: "Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch. I now go back to Italy.".

Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you sonna-wa-bitch.

Sincerely,

Giovanni Merde